This is Me, Beginning Again
Read on as I prepare to start over
“Down but not out.”
Finding yourself at the beginning of something new is a horrifying prospect, especially when you are raw; sad; and very, very tired after what came before. This is, however, where I find myself today. My business has taken it’s turn into the ground and I am taking a break; on the advice of my friends, some well-meaning passers-by on LinkedIn, and what I know to be the little voice inside my head.
I won’t lie when I tell you that this ‘taking a break’ is the least easy of the jobs I have to do each day; not in an “I can’t stop!” way but in an “It’s not making anything!” way.
I’ve become stuck behind my own vision; bogged down in all the gruffness that has become my world.
As a full-time carer I have much of my life dictated by the needs of my ward; I make this compromise willingly every single day. All the other stuff that wraps around it, though, is marginally flexible and generally of my own making. That was the joy of being ‘in business’ – I could make each day something new, exciting, and progressive. This joyful making came to something of a rapid halt when I took stock and realised that my business was DOA after more than four months of no clients and a negative-one queue of people coming to talk to me.
And so here we are; here I am.
Standing at the start of something new. A holiday in my own home; a break from being Me in Business; a rest from the reality of grinding on the thankless content-outreach-content-outreach cycle. That cycle sucked the life out of me and I’m not mad that I’ve consciously stepped away from it for a brief moment.
I am sad that things have come to this point; where I have acknowledged, actively, that things needed to change. That I’ve had to put a nail in the coffin of the thing which I’ve poured my heart into for the last six-odd years. I really am sad. But things do come to an end and that is where possible good stuff can begin.
In the essay I wrote about how quickly the end came I spoke of sustainability and recalibration. Of sorting out what the hell is going on for me right now and what I feel I need to bring to the world to feel of value. I’m very much in that place (after being reminded a few times by people whom I have a heck of a lot of time for that I need to sort my own shit out before I try to pursue anything of substance.)
And so, this is me going back to basics. It’s precisely what I do with my clients when they come to me to reorient themselves; to refocus; to find ‘their thing’ amidst a world awash with chaos. I am going to ask some difficult questions, kick over a few stones, and see what’s hanging out beneath them.
I am not giving up.
Someone sent me an email after reading my essay and said they were sorry that I was giving up coaching. I am most definitely not giving up coaching; that is part of my fibre, my foundation make-up. The container into which I have poured my coaching efforts since the post-pandemic world woke up is going in the bin. Coaching as an approach, a mindset, a practice, and a sense of being… That’s going nowhere.
I’m not giving up because I have something to give.
I have something to lean into. I have things which I am deeply, truly proud of. Not least of which was becoming a certified coach in the first place. I’ve documented my path; I’ve written letters, essays, articles; I’ve told stories and created worlds into which my soul has been imparted.
Kinda like a Potterian ‘horcrux’ only way less spurious and dark-magicky! All of this stuff is not lost because it exists in the world somewhere and, moreover, it can be brought back in new ways for new people to digest.
This is me acknowledging that I do have worth.
I do have value.
I do have a place.
Looking Ahead
I have always been the kind of person to look ahead; to be able to look ahead. Whether that’s three weeks or three months (not much longer because 90-days is plenty long enough to get shit done) I’ve been casting my mind forward to envisage The Future.
At the time of my writing this, though, I’ve become stuck behind my own vision; bogged down in all the gruffness that has become my world. It’s not letting me – or I am not letting me? – project myself forward to keep hold of that lovely, buoyant future-view.
That changes now. Right now. In these words.
I’m gathering myself to reach something fixed, something new. I’m feeling out a new perspective and new change of pace. I am getting back in touch with the energy I had before things went south and I’m refocussing how it comes out of me and into the world. Slowly, like, but still carving some channels down which it might flow.
There are still some present-world ties to severe or at least lash down so they’re not distracting me as I build a new world; new work; a revamped professional Me. The next step is stepping to the side and out of the flow. Then I can see what’s passing me by, what’s worth following, and what’s worth letting drift further down the river.
Here’s to breaking up with the world, if only for today.
A little author’s note: If you would like to support me as I rebuild myself and my business life, please consider joining this Substack as a paid subscriber. I will be documenting everything as I move through refocussing, rediscovery, reinvention, and – I hope – some new success; those who can support me will be part of that journey before anyone else.